Having recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, i am now in the process of getting the help i have apparently needed for years.
I am 25 years old, mother to the most beautiful and bright one year old son and i am planning to marry the absolute love of my life in January. I don't work, although i am desperate to find and KEEP a job, which seems to be impossible for someone like me but is something i am receiving help and support with. I love to write, perform and take pretty pictures. I am a bundle of creativity and inspiration.
After accepting my diagnosis i have been researching ways to help myself and to provide those close to me with information, in the hope that they might understand why i am the way i am. One of the ways to achieve both is to write everything down, to provide clarity on the way my mind functions and why i do and say the things i do. This blog is completely open, for friends, family and even whose who know nothing about me to read as, ultimately, i am not ashamed of my diagnosis or the way i am. Manic Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Lunacy or whatever you call this illness is something that has to be understood, medicated and managed for my mental health to improve, just like any physical injury would be.
Some key facts about my personality are -
- I don't have a filter like most people. I am highly inappropriate, obnoxious and have a habit of talking, very loudly, over other people when they are speaking. There is no doubt that at some point during the time you spend with me, whether as a friend or acquaintance, that you will feel horrendously offended by a comment i make.
- I will spend large amounts of money that i don't have on ridiculous things, won't pay the bills because there is something i really must have and probably be in debt for the rest of my life.
- Sometimes i will want to be out all the time and others you might not see me for months. This is something i cannot currently control without the help of medication. That one is at the mercy of my GP.
- If you offer to help me i will take you up on it. This means if your offer of help is nothing but an empty gesture, save me the upset and don't offer at all or say no when i ask. What "a little bit unhappy" feels like to you, feels like "the most devastating thing in the world" to me when i am asking for help.
- I will lie to you more than once. It's compulsive and i do it without thinking. I am getting better at correcting myself by saying "No, wait, That was a lie, what i meant was...." but i cant guarantee i will do this all the time.
- If i feel backed in to a corner i will panic and fight it. Hard. This can make me appear awkward and disobedient when someone is asking me to do something i dislike.
- If i don't know you are calling or coming to visit i probably wont answer the phone/door. I am getting braver though.
- I am delusional, i hallucinate, i hear things that nobody has said, i daydream and think that it really happen and my dreams are so vivid they are more like real memories. Its likely that i will tell you something, or remember something you said to me, that never really happened as a result.
- If you say something to me i will analyse it for days, months or in some cases even years. There is nothing that can be done about this so there is no point in holding back just for the sake of it.
All of the above makes me a particularly difficult person to handle and none of the above is meant as justification of my behaviour. I urge you to bear in mind that i am not like this all the time and it comes in cycles (hence; Manic - Depression). There is also a lot more to it than the above, which lists the aspects most likely to affect the ones i love.
If you need any more information about Bipolar disorder, it can be found right here.
If you want to know more about me then please read about it all on the blog! It's not all doom, gloom and uncontrollable outbursts.
